*NOTE: At the end of this blog, I am going to share some more graphic images of my injury so if that is not something you’d like to see, I would stop scrolling after the bible verse on here.
On June 24th, 2020, my family and I were on a sunset drive on our UTV. We wanted to go for a drive in the mud since it had been raining the day before. As we were about to head home, we made a turn up on a hill- one thing led to another and we were tilting, leaving our UTV on its side. My natural reaction told me to put my hand out to brace for the impact and the side-by-side crushed my pinky and ring finger on my right hand. Some of you Grey’s Anatomy lovers would love all of the gory details, but I will spare you… to put it as lightly as I can, my pinky and ring finger were amputated in the crash- I mean like barely hanging on by a few tendons. There was a family around the corner also taking their trucks in the mud who came to help us, and I still thank God for them. They ran over, had their daughter grab Paisley and Mason to keep them calm while they took my helmet off and kept me calm. Turns out they were EMT’s so they knew all the right things to do.
About 4 hours later I was headed for surgery where the doctors told me they didn’t know if either of my fingers could be reattached because they were so severely crushed.
Since COVID restrictions didn’t allow anyone to going into the hospital with me, I was alone since the ambulance ride. I remember looking around for any sign of comfort and there were written quotes on the windows as we were going down the hall to the operating room. This quote for some reason resonated with me so I asked the nurse to let me take a picture, “The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.”
While waiting for surgery, I looked up at the operation board, and saw a man going into surgery after me and he was having his leg amputated. Maybe I was trying so hard to avoid what was actually happening to me, but I couldn’t help but cry for that man. I knew no matter what happened to me, I would be able to go home and run around with my kids and the timing of all of this was just what I needed before heading into surgery.
After a 6-hour surgery, I woke up to find that my amazing surgeon was able to reattach both fingers- hooray! I had a week-long stay at the hospital hoping that my fingers would reattach properly. I had to keep my room at 80 degrees and had leeches on my fingers the whole time.
While my ring finger made it, my pinky finger had to be amputated (again) a few weeks later. I just had another surgery on my ring finger, lots of occupational therapy and I am still unsure if it will be mobile again. Being on my third surgery of the year and a lot of worry and pain, this has undoubtably been the hardest thing I have ever been through, but God doesn’t waste pain.
Isaiah 43:2 says, “when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” I am currently walking through the fire, and this verse has proven true to me. Although, the fire will not consume me and I am going to come out of it, by God’s grace, there’s is no way for someone to walk through fire and come out the same. Although the pain that I have recently had to go through did not come from God, He will, and is, using it for good. Sometimes pain is necessary to grow, make a difference or get to a better place. Just as Jesus died for us, the suffering and the pain that He endured was for something greater. Here’s the thing I have learned, God does not waste pain, but I can.
When I first began the healing process of my hand, I really wanted to be an example to my family on how to carry hardships well. I was trying to do it on my own, but I found myself using unhealthy ways to cope when I was weak. I found myself mindlessly scrolling social media to just zone out. Where are all my emotional eaters at? Hi, I am right here and when I was finally able to eat again, I ate to cope with the stress and uncertainty. It is only when I submit to God, will He use the pain for good. It was only when I went before God and expressed how I was struggling could he give me the peace that surpasses all understanding. It was only when I went before God on days where I felt like I didn’t want to fight, could he offer up His power and strength to me to accept.
I am still walking through the fire, so I cannot finish this by saying that I have come out of it. One day I will, and I can share how exactly God used my suffering. For now, I am finding joy in the midst of pain, I am leaning on God more than I ever have and I feel a shift in myself. One day I will find total healing, but it will not be in this lifetime and that’s okay. I want to live every inch of this life, the amazing, the messy and the mundane. If you have found yourself in the fire lately, I would love to pray for you.